Understanding.

I've been sitting in front of the computer for 20 minutes already, deciding what to write about today. It's been an interesting day full of tears & laughter. I've had moments of joy and I've had moments of sadness & hurt. I had a moment of sadness when we found out that Logan actually lost 100grams last night. That doesn't sound like alot, but it took him 2 weeks to gain that, and the fact that he lost it over a 24hr period, did not make me feel very positive about the direction were are heading in. Sometimes it is hard to stay positive, after all I am only human and at some point I was bound to break. Our social worker assured me this afternoon that it is normal to feel this way sometimes. Phew! Thankfully my best friend Nicole came to relieve me!  She did one of Logan's feeds and snuggled with him for a couple of hours so I could go for a walk, sort out my thoughts and just let it all out. Sometimes you just need to stop bottling it up and let it out. Believe it or not, after spending some time in prayer & talking to a new understanding friend on the phone (I'll get to her in a moment!), I felt like a huge burden was lifted off of me and I just feel so much better then I did when I started the day.

We just want you all to know that we appreciate each & everyone of you. We appreciate the cards, meals, emails, phone calls, visits, gift cards, help around the house, etc... though we are busy, we have never once taken this for granted or forgotten all the help we've had for each & everyone of you. We especially want to thank those of you have been helping with our kids. Though Malachi & Olivia are happy majority of the time, they are also busy little monkey's and we know how hard that can be to take them on into your lives for the last 7 weeks. Please know that yes Adam & I are extremely weary & tired, but we also know that this is affecting so many of you as well and you are also tired with all the time you've dedicated to helping us. We love you all SO much, and though we may not always say it or show it, we appreciate all the sacrifices you made to help us with the kids and lighten the load so that Adam & I can concentrate on Logan right now and not worry about Malachi & Olivia. Obviously we would not be here if we didn't have to be, so we'll just keep hoping that for the sake of everyone, we can go home sooner then later.

Adam asked for the day off tomorrow and we have an appointment set up in the morning with our social worker who is going to help us advocate our message to the doctors. We also have an appointment with Dr. Brille in the afternoon to discuss where to go from here and what the best thing for Logan is. We pray that the Lord will grant us patience & wisdom as we decide on where to go from here and how to get Logan to start putting on that weight that he's lost again. We also pray for strength, a good nights rest and energy to take on a new day tomorrow. I will be honest, sometimes I take things very personally & to heart lately (I'm gonna try to justify it from lack of sleep & hormones), so if I seem like I don't always love the advice you have for us, I do not mean to seem harsh or that I don't care! I truly do appreciate all the uplifting advice, prayers and words that you have for us and I'm sorry if its ever taken the wrong way. Praying God works in our hearts to help us to no longer be discouraged but to continue to trust in Him and take things one day at a time, with much needed patience.

Now to tell you a little bit about my "new understanding friend". While going through this whirlwind with Logan, someone sent me a blog and told me I should read it. I was told that this mama was having the exact same situation as us and it is uncanny how similar are stories are! Lee-Anne & her husband Graham have been in Toronto Sick Kids with their sweet, brave little man Oliver who happens to be only a few months older then Logan and dealing with alot of the same things. I believe that God brought Lee-Anne and I together through our situations together for a reason. She has been such an encouragement for me along the way. We'd email eachother late at night when we were up worrying, or dealing with our babies, and sometimes it was so ironic how we'd be dealing with the same issues on the same days! Lee-Anne was that one person who I could talk to that could truly say "I understand", and meant it. She is walking this road with me and struggling with all the same emotions that I am. We also pray for eachother everyday and I look forward to the day when our lives are not so chaotic that we plan to meet and have a playdate with the boys.

Thank-you Lee-Anne for being there for me along this journey, for being so supportive & understanding, and for being so willing to keep in contact with updates on the boys when we are through this. We continue to pray for you, Graham & Oliver every day! Keep fighting & advocating for your little man! We pray too that the Lord may grant the doctors wisdom & insight to give Oliver a proper diagnosis & know how to help him. And as always, call me anytime your feeling alone or like no one understands, chances are I will, and if I don't, I give you permission to vent on me. :)
Continue to lean on our Heavenly Father who knows all our needs, and carry's us when we are weary.You are an amazing mom, and doing a great job!

To be honest Lee-Anne wrote on Oliver's blog today and summed up how I'd describe how I feel about the situation we are in and the feeling is mutual as to how glad I am to have met you, so I thought I'd share that here to give you all a better understanding. Thanks Lee-Anne for putting it all so perfectly into words!

Taken from Lee-Anne's blog that she's been keeping for Oliver.

"God never gives you more than you can handle".

Sometimes, I don't believe that to be true. I not only feel that we HAVE been given more than we can handle, but it's not something that's easy to admit/talk about/people to really grasp.

Today, my phone rang and I had never been more excited to see this new number on my caller ID.

During this ordeal with Oliver, we have been put in touch with a few people/blogs/links. Some are heartbreaking, some are heart warming and some are just so down right real, it has helped me keep it together and keep on trucking.

I want to share with you another blog, another family, another Momma, another little boy, another Daddy, another story. Oddly a story JUST like Oliver's. Literally, almost identical, apart from the other siblings that this little boy has, they share the same struggles, the same joys and the same frustrations.

Meet Jennifer, Adam, Malachi, Olivia and Logan! After a little bit of "Dutch Bingo", we realized that we have mutual friends, which is an even smaller world! Please take time to read this sweet Momma's blog. She writes so openly, candidly and honestly... and Logan will get a smile out of anyone!http://www.loganlinde.blogspot.ca/

It's amazing. Usually when you "meet" someone that you can relate to, in situations like this, they are somewhere way across the world, somewhere unreachable, somewhere, where you'd never likely meet. We, however, are less than 2 hours away. Logan is in the hospital close to where I used to live and their family lives, where I used to work! Small world. Thank you God. Maybe we won't have to do this alone. Maybe we can learn together and share in each other's burdens/worries/stresses.

Today, Jenn called me and I had never been more glad to pick up the phone. It's been easy to say, "No one understands what we're going through. I know that your child has X, Y or Z, but it's not the same". With Jenn, it's amazing to get to write/email and talk to each other and know that those precious words, really do mean something... "I understand". People say that God never gives us more than we can handle, but I don't believe that. If God didn't test us right now, I wouldn't have met Jenn. I wouldn't need her support. I wouldn't have someone to admit why/when/how and what makes me breakdown on an almost daily basis. We wouldn't have found someone to reach out to. We wouldn't have laughed today about how similar our personalities are, (we talk BIG, when it comes to demanding things from Dr.'s, but we really know, that we sit back and wish that we could have a stronger voice with them) we wouldn't have realized that our lives seem to be struggling with the EXACT same things, at the EXACT same time, that even our recent conversations with loved ones, are about the same subjects. Crazy.

We pray for each other. We read about each other and one day, when life isn't so crazy, we will meet each other. I hope that day is sooner, rather than later.

Jenn, thanks for understanding and for calling today. I REALLY needed the exact conversation that we had. You are an amazing Momma (and Adam, is an amazing Dad) and you are fighting so hard! Keep your chin up, keep fighting, keep showing your emotions and being real. Take time for what YOU need. Do what's best for you and your family. You will have someone totally understanding the decisions that you make, the things that you give up and the fight that you're fighting. I am grateful that we can support and follow each other's lives.

And remember...no apologizing!